How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis

Chapter 187: Two's Company

First Id been ready to stay in my nice, safe cell. Then I found out shit was about to go down (mainly around my ears) and vacating the premises seemed the wise move. Now, having spotted long tall Sally hiding in plain sight, I wasnt sure what I should do.

I gave Marv a wave hello and got a brusque nod in return. No two ways about it, definitely a girl.

Schneed was very obviously not a fan of women. He had a kind of perverse admiration for themespecially the Queenbut he still considered them to be his enemy. He was willing to kill in order to defeat them. Why then did he have one in his cell with him?

So, you and Marv been together long? I asked.

Him? Oh, hes new. Just his luck, the day he joins up, we get nabbed. Schneed shook his head at the poor timing.

Call me overly suspicious, but him getting caught the same day he hooked up with a new female recruit might not have been a complete coincidence. Of course, I was making assumptions without knowing the full story.

Schneed referred to Marv as a he. There was no ambiguity about him as far as I could see, but I might not be seeing things clearly. There was only a single candle in their cell, same as mine, so the lighting wasnt the brightest. But Marv wasnt even slightly androgynous. He had quite pert breasts, for onean observation I made for scienceand a very feminine face.

Which led me to the obvious conclusion: ladyboy.

Now, not everyone would have jumped to this conclusion. There could be many reasons why Schneed, enemy of womankind, would have a female partner to aid him in his terrorist activities. But one thing was undeniable. Schneed was treating Marv like he was male.

And who was I to say he wasnt? The fantasy world was full of strange creatures. Half man, half horse. Head of an eagle, body of a lion. Maybe Marv was one of those. The fabled chick with a dick. Didnt appear much in Lord of the Rings, but probably turns up in A song of Ice and Fire at some point. Probably why its taking George so long to finish writing the damn thing.

Just because he looked exactly like a woman didnt mean he was one. It isnt unheard of. You meet a girl, get her back to your place, get sexy, get nekkid... get to know all there is to know about the Crying Game.

Now, said Schneed, Ive told you things that would be disastrous if the other side found out. Im trusting you to keep all this to yourself.

I nodded, although I wasnt sure it was me he should have been worried about leaking information.

We cant have them knowing our comings and goings. You let a woman know what youre up to, you can guarantee shell put a stop to it.

Dont worry, I said. Im just going to stay here and grow out my beard.

Good lad. Thats the one thing they cant outdo us on. A man with a nice thick plumage on his chin knows hes a man, and so does everyone else. I mean, look at Marv. You dont grow a bushy bastard like that if youre some lady.

I did look at Marv. He had as smooth and hairless chin.

One of us was seeing things. It could quite easily have been me. Without meaning to, I found myself staring at Marv. He didnt say anything, just shifted in his seat and avoided eye contact.

Hey, Marv, I called through the hole, whats your secret? I dont seem to be able to grow much more than a bit of fluff. I rubbed my chin.

Nothing to it, said Marv in a clearly fake deep voice. Just man up and push it out.

He was doing that voice women do when they impersonate men. A bit similar to the way black comedians do white guys. You sort of know what its meant to be, but at the same time, youve never actually heard anyone that sounds like that.

So you got caught just after Marv joined up? I said to Schneed.

Aye. Terrible luck.

Something was definitely going on here but I thought it best to play dumb. If he thought Marv was a man with a big beard, then Id go along with his delusion for the time being. It wasnt really any of my business.

The simplest explanation was that Marv was a spy. Yes, I realise that was probably what I should have guessed before going ladyboy, but I like to keep myself open to all possibilities. Im a very open-minded person.  

Marv had disguised herself somehow, in a way that obviously didnt work on me; magic of some kind. If women were able to walk freely among the men without being detected, it would explain how they were able to scupper the mens plans every time. Not necessarily a bad thing.

If Marvs objective was to prevent the city being destroyed, Id be happy to leave her to it and stay in my cosy cell. Then again, there were dangers here, too.

What I was wondering was, if youre so troublesome to them, why dont they just cut off your, you know turn you into eunuchs?

Schneed jerked his head back, startled. What? Why would they do that?

Had I gotten hold of the wrong end of the stick? Didnt they say they had eunuchs up at the palace? If they were prepared to cut off the balls of the guys on their side, surely theyd do at least that much to the ones opposing them.

Wouldnt it be easier for them? I asked, genuinely curious. It seems like it would be a lot simpler than putting you in a cell you always escape from.

No, no, no, he insisted. They only castrate the ones who volunteer for the army. I mean, theyll try to convince you, lie through their teeth, and for some men it is actually worth it, but as long as you dont sign up, theyll leave you alone.

I dont understand. What do you mean worth it? Why would anyone volunteer to have their balls removed? Whats the upside?

Oh, there are many advantages to taking up the Queens colours. He scratched at his beard. Job security, for one thing. No more worrying about getting married and having a family. All your decisions made for you. No jealousy or needless violence, apart from when youre ordered to kill, obviously. The perfect life for the confirmed bachelor, really. I thought about doing it myself when I was younger.

He sounded almost sorry he hadnt taken the plunge.

It seemed very unnatural to not value something as basic as sexual desire. I myself had always downplayed sex as not the most important thing in life, but that was mainly because I never had access to any.

Even now, I still believed obsessing about sex was retarded and just a way to control peopleto sell them things, blackmail them, seduce them, trick thembut that didnt mean I thought it would be better to get rid of it completely. And the idea someone would gladly give it away was pretty messed up.

Dont you think its possible the Queen tricked you all into thinking its not a bad thing? Because I can assure you, it is a bad thing, and you not freaking out about it is freaking me out.

Schneed looked confused. Nobodys making you do it. Why should you care what another chap decides to do with his jumblies?

Which was a fair point. Not my business if someone wants to make a lifestyle choice I wouldnt want to make. As long as I wasnt affected, live and let live. And yet...

You got to remember, said Schneed, they still need us. Heh, if they went around slicing bits off without anyones by or leave, whod be left to take care of their needs between the sheets, eh? His face took on a strange leer. They still need men to do the dirty deed.

I hadnt considered that side of things. There were women in charge. They had their eunuchs to fight for them. They still needed men to make babies.

They have husbands?

No, not husbands. Nothing like that. They dont like men hanging around the palace. No, they just ship in some studs every couple of months. Quite wild goings on, so I hear. Never been invited myself.

These studs, theyre just used for sex?

Not what Id call sex, exactly. Theyre milked dry and then sent back home. Just the fluids they want.

So, not studs in the 70s, hairy chested, medallion-wearing sense. More like a prize racehorses seed wanked off into a jar and then spooned into a ladies hoo-ha. Very romantic.

All things considered, it was still a fairly benign way to treat your semen suppliers, if a little clinical. Then again, I didnt know what milking entailed. Frankly, I didnt want to know.

Thats the thing about the Queen. Shes firm when needed, flexible when it suits her purpose. The devious witch.

So nobody has to become a eunuch? I felt like it was worth confirming this detail.

You want to, you can. You dont want to, you dont have to. Schneed made it sound very reasonable. Of course, there are some circumstances where its forced on someone, but those are very rare.

What kind of circumstances?

Criminals, deviants, sexual offenders, magic users. That sort of thing. Cant say I disagree with her on those. Right, Marv?

Marv grunted.

Wait a minute. Magic users? I could use magic. Id been thrown in here because they thought I was some powerful wizard. Did that mean

Why magic users?

Its unnatural, isnt it? I mean, its okay if the Queen dabbles a bit, shes the Queen after all. But you cant have people walking around, meddling with dark forces. Thats just dangerous. No, Im with Her Majesty on that one. Cut off their goolies, I say!

Did they think magic came from your testicles? That didnt explain how women were able to do magic. Or why the Queen got a pass. These double standards were outrageous.

Does it happen very often? I mean, where a wizard gets his, you know, balls removed? I didnt even like saying it.

Oh, not often. Last one was a street magician. Nice chap. Kids loved watching him make coins disappear. He seemed quite happy afterwards. A bit quiet, but fine otherwise.

A shiver ran down my spine. The Queen, as far as I could tell, had it in for anyone who could do magic, even if they were just tricks.

Was that your card?

Yes. Youre under arrest. Take off your trousers.

Madness. I could do magic. Real magic. I had no wish to join the Brotherhood of the Baggy Pants.

One side wanted to relieve me of the only two friends I had left. The other side was willing to destroy an entire city to get what they wanted. It was an unforgivable act of terror that could not be allowed to happen. And the city thing didnt sound like a good idea, either.

Erm, this escape plan of yours, you said you had room for one more?