How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis

Chapter 188: Girl Interrupted

But yes, of course, said Schneed. He began removing more stones from the wall. The  more the merrier. He grinned at me as the hole got bigger. Ooh, can you imagine their faces when they find us gone? Haha, silly women.

I sneaked a look over at Marv. She had her lips pinched tight like she was forcing her mouth to stay closed. 

Do you want some help. I moved forward to take some of the stones out from my side.

Oh, no, no, said Schneed with a flurry of hands to wave me away. I need to remember the exact order I took them out in. Thats the secret, you see. Location, location, location. You just stand back and watch a master at work.

He seemed to know what he was doing so I left him to it. The hole in the wall slowly opened like the iris of a camera. On the other side, the stones were laid out in a distinct pattern on the floor around Schneeds feet. And beyond them, Marv sat staring. She didnt look happy. And she looked her unhappiest when she was looking at me.

Did she suspect I was onto her?

My working theory was that she was definitely a woman (yes, I was assuming gender) who had somehow managed to disguise herself as a man to infiltrate the rebels. It would explain why they always managed to prevent the men from carrying out any of their planned attacks. It didnt, however, explain, why I was able to see through her disguise.

Telling Schneed would only cause problems for me, I decided. He wouldnt believe me and once Marv knew she wasnt fooling me, she would do something about it. She wouldnt have been sent in deep undercover without the necessary set of skills to take care of herself, and of me.

As it was, we would escape, they would go off to the rebel base and que sera sera (nothing to do with me), meanwhile I would go my own way. The internal struggles between the citizens of Requbar were no concern of mine. Worst city ever.

If Marv suspected I wasnt completely buying her act, I didnt think shed do anything to risk blowing her cover. I just had to make sure I didnt do anything to force her to act.

That was my reasoning for keeping my mouth shut and doing nothing. Of course, I could be wrong and horribly misrepresenting a perfectly respectable ladyboy.

Once the hole was large enough, I climbed througha feat that required a cross between the Fosbury flop and my innate limbo dancing skills. As soon as I was through, Schneed began replacing the stones.

Are we going to have time before they check on us? I asked.

They never check, just pass the trays in and out. Should be a while before the next meal.

This was true. The jailers hadnt bothered to even say hello in the time Id been here. They werent due for another few hours at least. The lack of supervision made sense if they wanted their woman on the inside to be taken to the rebel base. The escape was probably being allowed to take place for this reason. But had they expected me to be tagging along? I couldnt see why they would want that. 

Schneed finished returning the stones to their exact same positions and then moved to the back wall. He slid his hands over the stones until he found the one he was looking for, and slowly teased it out. I was watching him do it and I still couldnt see how it was possible. I looked at the wall Id just come through and placed my palm flat against it. I moved my hand around, pushed and tuggedthey all felt the same to me, completely solid.

Schneed plucked out stone after stone, laying them in a neat pattern again. Marv stood up and watched him, occasionally glancing at me. She was a strapping lass, taller than me and with a decent build. Not quite as muscular as the soldiers Id encountered with Laney, but no weakling. This only reinforced the idea she was an agent of the Queen. 

Even though the going was slow and methodical, the hole in the back wall was soon large enough to crawl through. Beyond it, there was a dark tunnel with a cool breeze flowing from it and a whiff of something unpleasant. Smelled like something had gone off in there.

Right, said Schneed. In you get.

Are you sure? said Marv in her gruff man-voice. I mean about him. She nodded towards me. 

I wasnt surprised she didnt feel comfortable taking me along, but it was a bit late to object. Which made me wonder why she was bringing it up now. Laying the groundwork for later? Id have to be careful not to turn my back on her.

Of course, said Schneed, hes one of us. If you cant count on a man, who can you count on? 

Nobody, would have been my answer, men included. 

Marv nodded and picked up the candle that was the only source of light we had. I should have brought the candle from my cell but had totally forgotten. I had no intention of using magic to illuminate our way, not with the all rampant anti-magic bigotry going around. Id rather stumble about in the dark. I squeezed through the hole on my hands and knees. 

The process of putting the wall back in place took a while. Schneed used the stones furthest away first, until there was only a gap barely big enough to get his hand through and grab the last stone. It slotted into place seamlessly.

We were crouched in the dark, the candle in Marvs hand flickering. It barely lit our faces. 

Whats that smell, said Marv, her other hand covering her mouth. The rank odour wasnt very strong, but when you caught a gust of it in the air it really turned your stomach.

Dont worry about that, said Schneed. That smell is your friend. Sulphur from the pits; not very nice, I know. But itll keep the rats off our scent.

Are these rats going to be a problem? I asked. We didnt have any weapons and they may not have been your average rats. I expected them to at least have glowing red eyes. 

Not as big a problem as theyll be for the women. Terrified of them, they are. Ooh, no, a rat, a rat! Bunch of Jessies.

He acted quite concerned about the rats himself, so mocking others over their fears felt a bit unreasonable. Rats spread the bubonic plague. That was worth a little crap in your pants. Obviously that was in the Middle Ages. Not like these rats would be carrying the Black Death in this pre-industrialised world that was technologically equivalent to our Middle Ages.

Do they carry diseases?

I shouldnt be surprised, said Schneed. But its their swords and spears you should be more concerned about.

They use swords? I blurted out.

Of course. What did you think? That theyd use their claws and teeth?

That was exactly what Id thought. Rats are such a mundane animal in our world that Id overlooked the possibility these were more like the mouse people Id encountered back in Probet. 

How big are these rats? I asked.

Ooh, Id say most would come up to about my chest. Vicious buggers, they are.

The memory of the Mouse King and his mate sent an unpleasant shiver through me. I really didnt want to go through something like that again. Even in the near darkness, my apprehension must have shown.

Itll be fine as long as we stay out of their way, said Schneed. If we come across a patrol, stay quiet, stay hidden and dont panic. If they spot us, then panic all you want. We go down fighting.

I cant say I felt completely reassured. 

The important thing is not to lead them back to our base. That cannot be allowed to happen. He sounded very determined on this point. Weve managed to avoid catching their eye so far, I wont be the one to ruin everything, not with a new leader and everything. Embarrass myself like that? Itd be mortifying. Better to die in these tunnels than to let down the Ocean Man.

Ocean Man, said Marv, her ears perking up. He will be at the base?

Of course. Where else would he be? Hes a great man, that Ocean Man. I know him quite well, Ill introduce you.

Marvs interest in this Ocean Man didnt strike me as though she was interested in a meet and greet. Schneeds interest, on the other hand, was more like a thirteen year old girls interest in Harry from One Direction.

Lets be going then, said Schneed. He took the candle from Marv, stood up and set off like he knew exactly where he was going, although there was only the one tunnel so not like there were a lot of options

Id expected it to be hand and knees all the way, but the tunnel was surprisingly spacious. I had to bend over slightly to not hit my head on the roof, but otherwise there was no difficulty in walking upright.

The walls were rough and uneven. If I ran my fingernails across the surface, grit and dirt fell off, but there wasnt the feeling the roof was about to fall in. Not that I would be able to tell if it was.

We walked in silence, trusting in Schneed. The tunnel met others and there were plenty of twists and turns and intersections. Marv seemed as nervous as me, but Schneed showed no signs of doubt. 

I been making this journey since I was a practically a boy, he whispered in reply to no ones question. Know these tunnels like the back of my hand. The candle went out.

We stood in the dark until I finally said, Are you still there?

Yes, said Marv, in a much more feminine voice than normal. I think she was too freaked out to remember she was supposed to be a bloke. 

Dont worry, said Schneed. Were nearly at the first drop.

I had no idea what he meant. It was pitch dark and I was having a hard time remembering which way I was supposed to be facing.

Just wait there, said Schneed, his voice a little further away than it had been a second ago. Ill be right back. Even further away.

Then there was silence. The only noise was some scuffling which I assumed was Marv nervously moving from foot to foot. At least thats what I hoped it was. 

You alright there, Marv?

Im fine. She was back to being gruff. Dont think I dont know.

Dont know what?

You can see me. I can tell. You can see through the geas.

I paused to think how best to answer her without making things awkward. A gay ass? Whats a gay ass.

Dont try to be smart. She hissed it at me but kept her voice low. The Queens geas makes all eyes see me as a man. But not you.

I dont know what you mean, you look like a maaa My words caught in my throat as I felt something sharp in my thigh. It was too dark to see, so she had aimed blind. I couldnt tell if she had excellent spatial perception or if she had missed.

Dont lie to me. I am a trained operative of the Queen. I know when Ive been seen. You can see me.

Actually, I cant see anyayaeasy. Whatever she was sticking in my leg was getting closer to an area sharp things shouldnt get close to. Okay, I can see you. Youre a very pretty girl. Happy now? I threw in the flattery because girls like that sort of thing, right?

Thank you. 

I wasnt expecting the flattery to actually work! 

Now tell me how you are able to penetrate the geas or I will gut you.

Ah, yes, now that was more like it.