How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis

Chapter 186: A Terrible Rebel

Wait!

The stone slid back out again. Yes?

The news of Requbars impending demise had suddenly made me less keen on my hideaway holiday home. It was fine for a visit, but I wouldnt want to be buried alive here. I wasnt looking for that kind of long term commitment.

Not that I entirely believed his claims, either. Men are always showing off in front of each other, exaggerating to make themselves look cool. The number of women theyve slept with, the amount of money they earn, their intention to destroy an entire city and murder thousands of peoplejust boys being boys.

You seem like you know this city. I was wondering if you could fill me in about how things are in Requabar. Ive only just arrived here myself. Im Colin, by the way. There was a time when introducing myself to someone would have set my teeth on edge and broken me out in a cold sweat. How far had I come that I was now able to hold a perfectly normal conversation with a homicidal maniac.

Only just arrived and already banged up in the highest security cell in the city? He chuckled to himself. Well, well. You must have done something pretty bad to catch their attention so quick.

I didnt do anything. I sounded a little defensive. They think Im somebody Im not. Now I sounded evasive.

Well whoever this other chap is, I hope hes out there making a nuisance of himself. He chuckled some more. For someone about to commit mass murder, he was in a very good mood. The names Schneed. Baker by trade, now a full-time advocator for mens rights Even though we were separated by a wall and all I could see was his mouth and occasionally an eye, I could sense him puffing out his chest with pride. Not that Im saying women dont deserve some rights, too. Just that we should have more than them. Only fair.

I didnt see how that was fair, but I wasnt going to argue with him. I might even vote for him if he went up for election.

So is it all women thatre the problem?

No, some of them are quite nice, said Schneed very gallantly. Its the ones in the palace that cause all the bad feelings. Theyre the ones who have to be stopped. Of course, no woman can be truly trusted, but the Queens the one whos making life miserable for us. Do this, do that, nag, nag, nag. And when its something we want to do, oh no, that can wait. I mean, its only fair we should get to make some of the decisions. Just the little ones. But no, she refuses to listen. Thats why we have to resort to extreme measure. If you push a man into a corner, hes going to come out fighting.

There was a blur of movement in front of the hole and some hard breathing. It was hard to tell, but I think he was doing some shadow boxing.

What did they put you in here for? I asked him. If you dont mind me asking.

No, no, I dont mind. Im what you call a freedom fighter. Or a terrorist, if youre on the other side of it. Not a pleasant thing, hurting people just to make a point, but what can you do? Cant say Id recommend it other than as a last resort, but when you run out of options, its the innocent who have to suffer. Sad but thats just the way it is.

I couldnt really see the logic of what he was saying, but he was so genial in the way he justified murder and mayhem it was hard to take issue with him. He was a surprisingly jolly terrorist.

So thats what youre rebelling against? The women being in charge?

Oh no, not just that. Well, its a big part of it, of course, but it doesnt really matter whos in chargewhoever it is, theyre bound to turn mad from the power. Mistreat the people, embezzle money from the treasury, make a few people they dont like disappear. Who wouldnt if they had the chance? But, you know, spread it around. Mistreat everyone equally, thats all. Dont just pick on one group. That kind of prejudice isnt right, is it, Marv?

There was a grunt from behind him that sounded like it agreed with him.

No, its the whole atmosphere of tyranny and oppression. Ooh, do I not like tyranny and oppression. Ooh, I do not. Having said that, theres a lot to thank the Queen for. Have you had time to look around Requbar? Lovely city. When the flowers are in bloom, nothing compares.

Yes, I saw a bit of it before they threw me in here. Very pretty.

Oh, come now, its more than pretty. I may not agree with the way Her Majesty tramples our rights and freedoms, and keeping people in line using fear and intimidation is no way to run a healthy society, but I have to admit, she does know how to make the place look nice. Its blooming gorgeous. Haha. Not unlike the Queen herself. What a looker. Ooh. I wouldnt chuck her out of bed for farting, know what I mean? Haha. I mean, obviously shes a despicable tyrant and we plan to put a stop to her reign of terror, goes without saying, but she does have one of those smiles that can light up a room. Such a shame it has to end this way. A regretful sigh slipped through the hole in the wall.

I was dizzy from all the flip-flopping. It was hard to tell why he was so set on bringing the Queens rule to an end. He seemed like her number one fan.

And hows it been going? I asked. With all the death and destruction, I mean? The city had looked in perfect order with not much in the way of anarchy from what Id seen, other than one dead dog.

Thats the thing, you see. Every time were on the verge of instigating an atrocity thatll bring the city to its knees, the Queens Guards swoop in and arrest us all. How they always know is a complete mystery. I suspect magicthey do say the Queen has the gift.

This caught my attention. If the Queen could do magic, did that mean she was a Visitor?

Made some infernal bargain for her soul in return for the gift of foresight, and the power to keep the streets free of litter, I shouldnt wonder. Have you been to Fengarad? Oh, the filth absolutely disgusting, it is. I have to say, torture chambers or not, strictly on a hygiene level, you cant fault Her Majesty. If she did make some dark deal with a nefarious supernatural entity, I can only commend her negotiating skills.

Hard to tell if he was aiming to remove the Queen from power or get an autograph and a selfie with her.

But wont they just stop you again this time?

Oh, not this time, said Schneed. This time itll be different. Weve got a new leader. A real visionary. Hes got us working around the clock on a plan that cant fail. Complete annihilation, one hundred percent guaranteed. Just you wait and see.

He certainly sounded confident.

And is just the three of you, in the rebellion? You, Marv and the leader.

Oh. Haha. No, no. Hundreds strong we are. She may be able to catch us before we have the chance to do any real damageall credit to her, shes a sharp onebut she hasnt been able to smash the organisation like shes been trying to. You see, we have a little secret. His voice dropped down to a whisper. Theyve locked up so many times weve got this whole place mapped out and full of escape routes.

I made my way closer to the wall as his voice got lower. Youve been here before?

Sure, plenty of times. Most of us have been locked up in here one time or another. And we always get out.

This didnt make much sense to me. You always escape and they always put you back in here? Isnt that a bit dumb.

I know, but thats the thing about womenthey may have the muscle and the fighting skills, and sure, their threshold for pain is way beyond anything we could withstand, but up here there was a pause which I assumed was for him to tap his head not the smartest. They have no idea how we do it.

Somehow I doubted the jailers would keep putting them in the same cells if there was an easy way out. Even if they didnt know how they were doing it, no one would keep making the same mistake over and over. Not unless they had an ulterior motive.

Are you saying you found a way to leave your cell and make it back into the city without them ever being able to figure out how you did it?

Thats right.

And how do you do it? I didnt expect him to tell me but thought Id ask anyway.

Well, I think I can trust you, even though you dont have much of a beard. Youre still one of us. Heres the thing. We spent so much time in here over the years, we slowly took the place apart. Look.

He began removing stones from the wall one by one. They slipped out like he was taking apart a puzzle, each piece perfectly made to fit with the others. Before long there was a large hole in the wall.

See? Its that simple. And then we put it all back together. You wouldnt even know it was possible. Solid as a rock. He banged the side of the opening with his fist. Nothing moved.

I banged it on my side. It did feel completely stable. Impressive.

He smiled at me. Now that I could see his face clearly he looked even less like a terrorist. He had a large round face, a trim white beard and a heavy walrus moustache. There was nothing very terrifying about him.

Of course, he continued, no point being able to take the walls apart if youve got nowhere to go, which is the other mistake the little darlings made putting us in here. He raised his eyebrows and paused.

Which is? I asked, taking the bait.

Were so deep down, were right close to the rat tunnels. You go through this wall back here and youre into a network of tunnels the like of which, ooh, like a maze it is, couldnt find your way out even if you had a map.

Then wouldnt you just get lost in there?

Oh, we know it well enough to get to our base. Weve got a super secret hiding place theyve been trying to find for years. Never even came close.

He seemed very open about telling me all this. I would have thought if he wanted to keep his rebel base super secret, telling a complete stranger about it probably wasnt such a good idea.

Take down the wall, pop through the other side, put the wall back. Gone. He grinned at me. Its that easy. Aint that right, Marv? He moved aside to address his buddy who was sitting against the far wall.

Which was when I realised something wasnt quite right. Marv, for a start, was very clearly a woman.