My Dearest General: It Has Always Been You

The cemetery at dusk in the cold weather of November was truly devoid of people, the occasional rustle of huge maple trees along the path added to the tinge of melancholy. Maybe that's why Jin Renguang chose to come here after he got off work. It had been a few days since Yan Jihuan's fifth death anniversary and to be honest, Jin Renguang didn't have any intention to visit her grave, ever.

Regardless of whether her name was supposed to be inked beside him in the marriage certificate.

However, he did. Not because of Yan Jihuan, but because he had to start pursuing his own happiness.

Jin Renguang realized that no matter how many times he tried to tell Ru Meiqi that nothing mattered anymore, deep inside his heart, he still couldn't let it go. He was just this kind of person, petty and despicable, couldn't let go of the slightest bit of grievance. Sadly, the person whom he loathed had already been buried three feet underground.

He couldn't exact his revenge anymore and precisely because of that, he had difficulty moving on. It was just like a fishbone stuck in his throat, and now, he had to accept the fact that he should live with it for the rest of his life.

"I have come." He stuck his hands into the pockets as he faced the tombstone. The afternoon wind blew his hair, deepening the heaviness in his eyes. He put the bouquet of daisies he had bought in front of the tombstone, then put another smaller one on the tombstone beside it.

There were two tombstones. One was Yan Jihuan's, his ex wife. And the other was an unnamed tombstone, because the baby hadn't had the chance to be graced with a name before he had to leave again. 

Jin Renguang had a name on the tip of his tongue but he was unwilling to say it. Unwilling to engrave it into the tombstone. Whether it was due to pettiness, hatred or sadness, even he didn't know.

Yan Jihuan was frozen in her most beautiful moment, carved into the black and white photograph. Soft, upturned eyes filled with captivating charm with a ghost of a smile on the corner of her lips, heart shaped face with mid length hair cupping her cheek. She was beautiful and charming. Yet, what remained in Jin Renguang's mind was only the woman's pale face, bloodless lips as it curled into a bitter smile before she breathed her last.

"Are you happy now?" Jin Renguang straightened up, his gaze wandered elsewhere. "That year, I have sworn that I wouldn't step into your grave for the rest of my life, but here I am." He sneered, contempt filled his eyes before it slowly receded into a rare blankness.

Yan Jihuan used to be one of his best comrades. Even though she was a woman, she didn't lose out against men in terms of combat ability. It was that trait that made Jin Renguang admire her. She was resilient, tenacious and witty. So why did she end up becoming the kind of woman he hated the most?

"It's been five years." He said. "I have thought a lot about that year's matter. I won't say I am innocent and you're free to curse me from wherever you are now. Just that…" Jin Renguang glanced toward the smaller tombstone beside Yan Jihuan and grazed the tip of his fingers against it, his eyelashes quivering slightly.

"Your sin was too heavy," Jin Renguang's voice turned raspy, " Not to me, and certainly not to Qiqi either, but to your child. Yan Jihuan, I, Jin Renguang, stood in front of your grave today in search of repentance. We should forgive each other, too much hurt has been done between us and I think it's time for me to move on, don't you think so?"

Jin Renguang bowed his head and closed his eyes, letting the wind mess with his hair, almost freezing his skin in the process. His mind gradually sank into the spiral of memories, one that he had been unwilling to visit.

He and Ru Meiqi had been a pair of lovers since high school and their relationships were still going strong, even when one of them registered to the special force and started to undergo multiple highly dangerous and confidential missions, and the other continued her study in psychology.

The members in Jin Renguang's team knew that he was a taken man, even if he hadn't yet got married at that time. And Jin Renguang didn't shy away either. He treated Ru Meiqi just like how one treated his wife and every time, they would scatter so much dog food that his comrades itched to beat him up for once. That was, if they could defeat him in a close combat.

Yan Jihuan was the only woman in their team so subconsciously or not, she would often receive preferential treatment and her comrades in arms would always protect her, just like a big brother would.

Thus, imagined how shocked Jin Renguang was when one day, he woke up after a wild party—it was usual for their team to celebrate after completing a mission—and found Yan Jihuan on his bed, naked with traces of fierce lovemaking all over the room.

For a second, Jin Renguang wondered whether he had died and woken up in Hell.

He couldn't recall what was going on and the headache tore on his head, almost splitting it into two as he stared at the familiar and unfamiliar body beside him. His bed, one which Ru Meiqi usually slept on, one which they had spent countless nights cuddling against each other, making out as if the world contained the two of them alone, now had another woman on it.

Yan Jihuan stirred as if sensing the heavy gaze on her back, her eyelashes fluttered open. The first thing she caught sight of was Jin Renguang's ghastly face, looking as if he wished that someone would stab him with a knife.

Her breaths got heavy as she roused, clenching the blanket around her to cover her naked body. "B—Brother Jin…" Tears swirling in her eyes, hurt and disappointment flashed through them. She lowered her eyes to cover the undercurrent emotion. "Sorry, even though I know you already have Miss Ru, I still…ashamedly fall in love with you. Sorry, I couldn't resist myself when you…you…"

Jin Renguang rubbed his face roughly, annoyance and irritation brewing inside him like a premonition of a violent storm. "Last night, I fucked you?"

Yan Jihuan flinched from his sharp and cold tone, his words even more so. Fucked. Such a crude word. An act that only involved the physical, empty and desolate. Of course...Yan Jihuan smiled bitterly. She knew more than anyone else how much the man loved Ru Meiqi, he loved her so much that he couldn't see another close to his side, who loved him unceasingly over the years. That's why, when Yan Jihuan got a once in a lifetime opportunity to bed him, she didn't hesitate at all.

"Sorry, I—"

"Don't say anymore." Jin Renguang scrambled from the bed. He looked at his clothes scattered around the floor, messily crumpled together with Yan Jihuan's dress, stocking and underwear. An unprecedented nausea and disgust rose within his gut, not toward Yan Jihuan, but himself.

How could he do that? How much of a beast was he? He…How could he face his Qiqi after this?

Jin Renguang opted against wearing the clothes on the floor and walked in his naked glory toward the closet, taking random clothes and wearing them, all done in less than a minute. His eyes never once landed on the pale woman on the bed. 

"I'm sorry." He started without turning around, giving Yan Jihuan the sight of his lonesome back.

"No, it should be me—"

"But I can't take responsibility for you." He blurted out all at once. "Yes, you may call me a jerk, bastard because that's what I am. I won't blame you, the fault is all on me. But I can't…" His voice broke off in the end. "I can't lose Qiqi…"

He took a deep breath and turned around, his expression just like how she had seen before when he dealt with criminals. Cold, brutal and ruthless. "So I will have to ask you to forget whatever happened between us."

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A/N: Finally, Jin Renguang, his ex wife and Ru Meiqi's back story! Do you expect it coming? Welp, it's not gonna look good QAQ do you think Jin Renguang is too heartless or...

Sorry for the delay ne~ some problems cropped up with my computer