Playboy Cultivator in the Apocalypse

[A/N: You can read this chapter for free in the auxiliary section. Feel free to support me by unlocking it anyway, as it still took a crazy amount of work. Thanks for reading!]

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"Ya'll act like it's difficult to insult people." Kiera scoffed in annoyance, "But fine, whatevs. I'll give you an insult masterclass.

Let's start with the obvious. If you call someone a cunt, nothing you add before or after will change that you called them a cunt.

Big cunt, small cunt, petty cunt, tall cunt. Swollen cunt, hairy cunt, cunt runt, cunt mutt.

It doesn't matter if it's positive or negative. In fact, assuming it's genuine, the kinder the modifier is, the more savage it becomes."

"The kinder it is?" Kylie asked, furrowing her brows, "That sounds counterintuitive."

"Let's try it out." The slang smirked, pointing at Moe, Layla, and Kylie, "You're a stupid cunt, you're a nosey cunt, you're a… uh… um… half-likable cunt? Like scratching a brutal itch."

The wavy-haired brunette's face heated up in abnormal bitterness.

"Ob~serve." Kiera announced, presenting her hands to Kylie with a [ta-dah!] motion, "While 'Silent H' Moe scoffed and rolled her eyes, the person with the strongest reaction despite having the most positive insult was… drumroll please, KYLIE!"

Her sarcastic enthusiasm reminded them of what they had asked for.

"Since you noobslanders don't get it, let's discuss. Ahem." Kiera coughed cutely into her hand, "While [stupid cunt] sounds like a low-grade insult, [half-likable cunt] implies that you carefully assessed their personality and [discovered] they were a cunt."

"No way…." Layla replied, "It's strange thinking about it like that. It's like building people up so the fall is further."

"Right?" Marilyn giggled, looking at Kylie, stewing bitterly, "I'm~curious. Where did you get the term [noobslander]? How does your brain think this stuff up?"

"How's smashing two words together different than creating a term with two words?" Kiera asked in confusion, "You're still talking about root words.

Everyone knows what the word [noob] means, right? Noobie, greenhorn, useless-as-fuck person?"

They giggled at her third descriptor and nodded.

"That's the root." The slang riddler lectured, "No matter what you say before or after that, it won't change the word. You can make it random as you want.

Noobcake. Noobflake. Noobnugget. Noobfeather. Noob-sickle-stick. Anything.

While it doesn't matter what you say, relevant modifiers communicate your ideas and enhance their impact.

'Evalyn is a noobmancer training culti-noobs who begged for a taste of the noobpocalypse. Now she has to hide her nooblets from the Immortal Skye noob slayers, or they'll get bitch slapped with a satisfying dose of noobicide.' See? It's not that complicated."

"That's fascinating." Layla remarked in a haze, "Still, you need to have a large diction to break apart words like that, right? It's strange because slang users usually don't have large vocabularies."

"That's what separates Kiera from others." Marilyn giggled, "Her vocabulary is as strong or stronger than Kaze's, but she speaks like this regardless. It drives him insane."

"Wait, you're being serious?" Addison said in bafflement, "You're saying she has a vocabulary on par with the Lost Emperor of Antiquity?"

"Don't take my word for it." The sexy brunette giggled, "Kiera, describe Kaze using words that start with S."

"What, am I your sideshow attraction?" The slang riddler huffed indignantly.

"You don't want to?" Marilyn smiled mysteriously, "I thought you'd jump on the chance to tell these [culti-noobs] what type of person your man is. Am I wrong?"

"Kazey's S-class." Kiera pouted, realizing she had a duty-bound obligation to comply, "From a talent perspective, he's spellbinding, startling, shocking, and stupefying. He constantly stuns people with his sublime, spectacular might.

Inwardly, he's secretive, emotionally secluded, and selective with those he shares with.

However, outwardly, he's salacious, scandalous, sensual, seducing, and sly."

The women burst into giggles, dying from the hyper-accurate description of Kaze Lexicon.

"There's a lot of relevant words that start with S that describe this guy…." Moe whispered in puzzlement, "You could practically call him Mr. S."

"Emperor [Lexicon]." The slang riddler scoffed, "One letter isn't enough to describe someone so godly, so the lesser gods blessed him with the name [lexicon]—use it."

"Case in point." Marilyn giggled amusedly, "While normal people see a last name, she'll lay down middle ages history behind words to prove her point. Give Kiera a random letter."

"C." Layla requested excitedly.

"Cut the crap and kill yourself, cunt; I'm busy culling the Kaze-crushing cultists, so be a champ, call it a night, and cuddle with a moving car." Kiera scoffed savagely, "Capish?"

"And there goes the alliteration." Kylie sighed, looking at Layla's gobsmacked expression, "Consider yourself lucky, girl. Usually, when the a-train comes to town, people get nicknames."

"Nicknames?" Moe asked nervously.

"Yeah…." The wavy-haired brunette confirmed bitterly, "She's creative with them.

Last week I was Cost-a-[Nickel] Nicky; this week, she promoted me to Ten-Shilling Sally. If I work really hard, I think I'll move up to Dollar Store Dolly by the end of the month."

"Don't be dramatic; if you stay away from Kazey, you'll insta-level like a pro." Kiera argued seriously, "You'll skyrocket past Wants-to-Live Lisa and land on Good-Choice Karen.

However, I'll anoint you [Debbie Drowner] tonight if you don't stop complaining."

"See?" Kylie asked lifelessly with depleted eyes, "It's the worst."

"Well, I love the way you speak." Layla said with a fascinated expression.

"Ummm… sure, whatevs." Kiera blushed bashfully, turning away, "But stop looking at me like that."

The blonde's star-struck eyes snapped back to normal, and she turned away embarrassedly. "Sorry."

"Before we move off the subject, what's the secret behind analogies?" Addison asked curiously, "I struggle to find relevant analogies, but you seem to throw them around like candy."

Marilyn and Kylie's eyes sparked with interest again, and Layla and Moe's ears perked up.

"That's because you're trying to find analogies to explain abstract concepts." Kiera replied dryly, "Love's a fire that burns through everything you let it touch. Your time, finances, and ambitions.

It's better to devote yourself to secluded chastity, the cooling waterfall that keeps life calm until your shining protag arrives."

The slang riddler used a pretentious voice to grandly throw around sarcastic metaphors, completely defeating her upcoming argument. It left everyone blinking, unenthused.

"By contrast, I pick a random word and create a concrete image around it." Kiera explained, "For example, I'll cut off your pencil dick and sign your death warrant with it.

You take the insult modifier and give it a literal use case."

"That's all?" Kylie furrowed her brows, "You don't think this stuff ahead of time?"

"No~pe." The fiery teen smacked, "I'll prove it. Pick a word, and I'll create an insult with an analogy."

"Shoestrings." Moe said quickly.

"I'll rip out your jugular veins and use them as shoestrings. " Kiera replied instantaneously, triggering giggles.

"Canoe." Addison smiled excitedly.

"Climb a rapid and drown, you wide-holed vag canoe." The slang riddler replied at equal speed.

"Apple." Marilyn smiled amusedly.

"While I'm certain you could swallow an apple, you can't handle Kazey's seed." Kiera sneered, eyes narrowed.

"Receipt." Lalya grinned.

"You're worth so little on the floozy market that the IRS wouldn't tax your body." The slang riddler smiled viciously.

The entire bathhouse erupted in laughter.

"Kaze." Kylie smirked maliciously.

"You're such a slut that even Kazey won't advocate for your rights and virtues." Kiera replied dryly.

The brunette shut down instantly, expecting a flustered rant, not a crushing insult. Naturally, the insult wasn't true, but it was savage, considering Kaze's rhetoric.

"This is crazy to watch." Moe said with wide eyes, "I can't even think that fast."

"You're just trying too hard." Kiera said, "Insults are simple math formulas with interchangeable variables.

Kazey often uses a variation of [You're Disagreeable, You Modifier Insult!]. Observe."

The slang riddler coughed cutely and busted out her famous, dramatically-pretentious [Emperor Lexicon] impersonation, speaking with a puffed-out chest.

"You're despicable, you uncouth swine!" Kiera gruffed pompously, triggering a wave of delighted laughter, "There's the insult; now let's exchange the variables.

You're despicable, you [detestable] swine!

You're despicable, you detestable [primate]!

You're [contemptible], you detestable primate!"

Kaze's partners burst into laughter, hearing the full transformation.

"So you just need to add an insult to any phrase, and it becomes swappable?" Layla asked curiously.

"No~pe." The slang riddler smacked, shaking her head, "It's not the insult that makes the pattern insulting—it's the word [you]. That shit cuts deep."

"Wait what?" Marilyn asked confusedly, "Can we get an example?"

Kiera nodded, closed her eyes, and wiggled her body, getting back into character. Then she opened her eyes with a fierce gaze and authoritative voice. "You're surprisingly articulate, [you] unfrosted toaster pastry!"

Everyone burst into laughter, splashing around the Roman-style bath in their birthday suits. Hearing Kaze's arrogant demeanor and voice used for the childish insult was too much to bear.

"Please apprentice me!" Layla cried, clutching her stomach, "I beg of you!"

"Not a chance." The slang riddler replied bluntly, "Urban Dictionary's gonzo because hashtag apocalypse. So keep it simple, or give it up, girl."

"Keep it simple?" The blonde asked, hope flickering in her eyes, "What do you mean?"

"Just add incest-bred before [literally anything]." Kiera replied tersely, "If you heard anything I just said, you'd know it'll pop out a savage insta-insult."

"Incest-bred cultivator, incest-bred soldier, incest-bred woman, incest-bred ass kisser…." Layla muttered to herself, counting on her fingers, "You're right… that's brutal."

All the women giggled at her surprised reaction.

"You're clever, you incest-bred Kaze-lover." Marilyn giggled, gazing amusedly at the pink-haired teen.

"Call me an incest-bred cunt if you want, but keep Kaze out of it!" Kiera snapped, standing up and pointing at the sexy ex-flight attendant.

"You're rather meticulous with shaving, Kiera." Addison giggled, looking at the teen's lower half, "I can always wax you if you stop by the salon."

"I-I… uh…." Kiera looked down, and her naked body heated up, turning red like a thermometer as she stuttered, "I WILL KILL ALL OF YOU!"

The fiery teen pulled back her hand for an attack, triggering PTSD symptoms in Moe and Layla. That was natural, considering that Kiera accidently blew up the [skyscraper] they were sleeping in only a day before!

However, Marilyn was prepared for the murderous scenario and rushed the naked teen.

"W-What are you—hah! Haha! Hahahaha! Stop! Stop!" Kiera cried when the sexy brunette grabbed the lethal teen's stomach and tickled her.

SPLASH! Splash! "WAIT! Splash! SPLASH! "I'll fucking—" Splash! "Hahaha!" SPLASH! "STOP!"

The women giggled at the adorable slang riddler crashing around the water.

While Kiera was strong enough to slaughter all of them, she didn't.

The murderous yandere would eradicate anyone threatening Kaze Lexicon without thinking. However, otherwise, she was Kiera London Snow, Immortal Skye's beloved tsundere princess, reigning supreme in the apocalypse.