How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis

Chapter 290: Vines of Communication

My insubstantial ghost body hung there, floating over the empty bed where my insubstantial real body should have been. I could still see the slight indentations where wed been sitting.

I hadnt expected to come back to find my body missing. One of the advantages of this power (one of the few advantages) was that only I got to move around when it was active, usually.

Not today.

Someone had come in and picked up two life-sized mannequins and taken them away. It must have been a bit awkward. I had been sitting cross-legged, with my hands on my knees. Possibly, if you had a lot of upper body strength, you could grab me by one of my arms and sling me over your shoulder like a backpack.

Jenny had been sitting beside me, leaning with her body half-turned. Shed also been topless, which bothered me. I cant say why, exactly. There were far more pressing things to worry about, but for some reason the thought of Jennys boobs on view rankled.

I know, theyre just boobs. A woman breastfeeding isnt a big deal. A woman sunbathing on a beach wouldnt even turn heads in some places. And would get you stoned to death in others. Its just weird.

My main focus needed to be on finding my body, not worrying about Jennys proclivities for whipping her old fellas out (a proclivity I quite enjoyed when alone). Was that all it was? A desire to claim ownership over her? These belong to me. Kind of pathetic, if that was true.

Normally, finding people in my current state wouldnt be too hard. They left all these disgusting vines wherever they went. My own body didnt do that, but Jennys did.

She had one attached to me, but that wasnt much use when my body wasnt here. But, unlike me, she also had attachments to other people. I could follow one of them right to her.

First, I checked the room for the wooden sword. I checked under the bed and even under the mattress, but no sign of it.

I floated back out of the room.

Why would someone take our bodies? If you needed somewhere to hang a couple of coats, Jenny would do at a pinch (or two), and I might make half-decent umbrella stand, but that was about it.

The corridors were lined with vines and tentacles, different sizes and different colours. If I knew what different vines were for, how they related to the people they were attached to, life would be so much easier.

Knowing a particular appendage reflected a strong liking, or if it represented an obsession or just a mild passing interest, would be a solid power I could put to good use. This mass of writhing tentacles everywhere I looked just gave me the power to view the world with unpleasant decorations stuck on top, like the high street at Christmas.

My problem was that I was an amateur. I hadnt figured out how to use this power to its full potential, and I had no one to help guide me. Arthur had kind of helped, but he turned out not to be the Visitor I thought he was. By all accounts, he was really Joshaya, playing some game I didnt understand.

My plan was to go back to the others. They were all connected to Jenny. If I could figure out which vine it was, I could locate her that way. I also had to remember to start putting name tags on the fuckers.

So much effort. It really shouldnt be such hard work using superpowers. I floated along, back towards the arena, thinking of ways to make better use of this ability.

Back when Claire first realised she could read minds, she had been able to read me. Then, after some time-travelling shenanigans, she couldnt. And later, after Id skipped forward in time and come back, I managed to shout a telepathic warning to her.

This may all have been specific to jumping around in time, but what it seemed to suggest was that it was possible for people to connect to me (even Claire), that I could block them (especially Claire), and, given the right motivations, I could allow my defences to be deliberately violated (why is it always Claire?).

There was definitely a way to control it, I just didnt know how.

I tried to think good, wholesome thoughts about Jenny to see if that would open me up. Nothing. Then I tried angry, violent thoughts. Got so carried away almost forgot why I was doing it. Still nothing. Then I thought about Jennys boobs, which were still preying on my mind (it isnt creepy if theyre your girlfriends boobs which she enjoys you looking at, probably), and one of the vines lit up.

It was one of many, weaving in and out, glowing with a soft green light. If that was a link to Jenny, Id made a stunning breakthrough. However, it also meant someone was thinking a lot about my girlfriends boobs.

The vine went both ways down the corridor, so I picked one direction and followed it. The vine was thick and throbbing. Who was so interested? The more I wondered, the brighter it got.

Not the undead, they just had the single vine used to control them. The Pope? Possibly, but judging by the show he put on, he was more of a leg man, the hairy with muscles kind. That left Maurice and Dudley as my prime suspects.

Would they really think about Jenny like that? Claire was bound to pick up on it if it was Maurice. And Dudley had plenty to look at on his own bird.

I tried not to think about it, but it did make me feel uncomfortable.

The vines grew fewer, the glowing one still among them. I was headed away from the direction wed come from. No people, dead or otherwise, and not much to look at apart from stone walls.

There was a door at the end of a long tunnel the vines took me to. I passed through it, expecting yet more tunnels, but it was a room. Simple furnishings, a closet, a desk with a chair, and a bed with me and Jenny sitting on it. Jenny was still sans top. Im not obsessing, just making an observation.

A figure with its back to me was moving very slowly, arranging how we were seated on the bed. I didnt have to get any closer to see it was Pope Rupert. And that he had a wooden sword in his hand.

There was only one vine coming out of him (and it wasnt attached to Jenny), which was odd. All the undead had a single vine growing out of them, but I thought they would come back to him. Apparently not.

I was just wondering if he could see or hear me when he turned around in glacial fashion.

Youre here, is what it sounded like, but very slowly so the words were stretched and hard to make out.

It occurred to me that maybe things didnt stop when I was in the adjacent world, they just slowed down a lot. And the Pope was in fact moving incredibly fast.

Youll have to talk more quickly, I said. I cant understand you.

Did you see them? It was better, but I was still guessing what he was saying. Longer sentences would be impossible to understand.

Hold on. I reentered my body. Jenny was sitting on the floor with my junior version with his head on her lap with his eyes closed. Some guard he was.

We have to go.

She stood up and Little Me tumbled off. He scrambled to his feet, the little perv.

Couldnt you have found some clothes? I asked Jenny.

She looked around. Where?

I turned to the guilty-looking midget. Like you couldnt have conjured up a top for her.

She didnt ask, he mumbled.

Never mind. I grabbed Jennys hand. Keep them covered, we have company.

I took her back out. She didnt even try to cover up, so I had to do it for her with my arm. Admittedly, her actual body was already on full display, but that still doesnt make it alright.

One moment, I said to the Pope who was about to say something (eventually). I shoved Jenny back into her body, possibly harder than I needed to. She slid straight in. I returned to my own body, giving my younger self a dirty look as I passed through.

I opened my eyes. There was something very familiar in the way the Pope was staring into my face.

Youre Joshaya, arent you? I said, certain that I was right.

He nodded. Indeed.

Joshaya, Arthur, Rupert anyone else? You arent a troll are you?

Not something Ive been accused of before.

I find that hard to believe, I said.

Hes Joshaya? said Jenny. I put my arms around from behind and covered her breasts with my hands. Does it really matter if he sees me naked? He isnt interested, are you?

Joshaya shook his head.

Thats not the point. Its distracting me.

Fine, give me your jacket.

That was actually a better idea than my impromptu hand bra. I let go of her, and then grabbed back on. Would you mind turning around, I said to the Pope.

He exchanged a look with my girlfriend that I didnt appreciate, and then turned around. I took off my jacket and gave it to her.

Theyre just breasts, said Jenny. We all have them. Even some men.

Not these ones, I said petulantly. These ones are

What? Yours? I get it, Colin, I do and its fine. Youre experiencing what its like to be a man. It must be confusing if youre not used to it. But you have to get over this hang-up you have. Its not that important.

Women just dont get it. Once they do, I hope theyll finally explain it to us.

Have you two finished? asked the Pope of fake identities.

I dont know why youre in such a rush, I said with more irritation than usual (yes, even more) thanks to being lectured on things that were beyond my control. What the fuck are you playing at? Why did you move our bodies?

Calm yourself. Theres is a perfectly reasonable explanation.

I paused to hear this perfectly reasonable explanation. Yes?

Its for your own safety. Once you let them in, they know where you are. They can come for you. Tell me You saw the other gods? You really saw them?

Yes. Theyre behind the portal.

Oh, thats wonderful. Im so relieved. He stood up with hands clasped and held to his chest. I never believed the day would come when someone would be able to pass through the portal and come back alive. Youre the first one. The first one!

He seemed pleased. I wasnt sure which was worse, that he had expected me to die, or that he had most likely sent others before me who hadnt made it. The guy was clearly a psycho. Mind you, he was a god of death, so username checks out.

What do you mean, they can come for me?

There was a chance they would be able to follow you out. Then they would possess your bodies. I didnt want to risk it, but you seem fine. Any dark pit of evil inside you, like your soul is rotting?

No, no more than usual.

Excellent. This is better than I imagined possible. Your special ability makes it hard for them. You are the perfect one for this task.

But why didnt you just tell us in the first place? Why did you put me through all this?

I couldnt. Dont you see? I couldnt. If you knew what I was doing, they would know too. I had to keep you in the dark, guiding you slowly. This is all my fault, I know that, but Im doing my best to make amends. They wanted to die, understand? And I was the only one who could do it. Theres no great pleasure in eternity, even with the power to do what you wish.

Then why bring them back? said Jenny.

I was lonely, he whined. Who knew the god of death would be such a little bitch? I brought them back, used my powers in ways they should never have been used...

You brought them back undead, I said.

Yes. I couldnt bring them back all the way. I was close but They were deranged, unable to control themselves. I had to put them where they could do no harm while I worked on a cure.

So, all these undead people youve been collecting, I said, theyre what, your trial subjects?

I thought if I could perfect it on them And youve seen how good they look. Hardly any decomposing, as long as theyre stored somewhere cool. But now you can reach them, perhaps you are the one who can deliver the cure. We have much to discuss.

On the one hand, it was good there was an endpoint in sight. Unfortunately, it was more than likely my endpoint. I didnt trust this god. He gave being two-faced a bad name (and an extra face). But he wasnt the type to take no for an answer.

I already know how to free your friends, I said.

You do? said Joshaya.

Yes. Give me my sword. Jenny coughed. Give me her sword.

He looked at me, eyes slightly narrowed, not convinced he could trust me. Welcome to the club.

Hey, if I end up dead, youve still got the others to work with. Were all Visitors. You can do your experiments on them. But let me try this my way and maybe we can all go home early. I need them to bring me back, remember. I held out my hand.

He handed over the sword, which clearly meant he thought I would die during the attempt. Well, technically I was already dead, but deader.

I could have asked him why hed gone about this in such a roundabout fashion, but he would only feed me more bullshit. The undead gods hadnt seemed as bad as he was making out and I was inclined to see what their offer was once I explained what was going on. He was right about one thing, my ability made me perfect for the task.

Right, first I just need to speak to the others, sort out the line of succession in case I dont make it back, you know, say my goodbyes, tell them what I really think of them.

Pope Joshaya nodded understandingly. This way.

Jenny stood up and my jacket fell open showing off her stomach and way too much side-boob. And could you not flash everyone when we get there?

Jenny frowned at me. She probably thought I needed more lecturing on how we should share the natural beauty of a fine pair. It could wait until we saw the others and I figured out which of those two gits had been thinking about her fine pair a bit too much.