How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis

Chapter 152: Say Hello To My Little Friend

Theyre always changing iPhones so you have to upgrade to the next one. Slightly bigger screen, longer battery life, transdimensional conference call with supernatural beingsits alway something you dont really need. Or want.

Its eventually going to get to the point where you turn on your phone and it immediately explodes so you have to buy a new one. Marketing genius.

Whatever were you thinking? asked the voice coming out of the little box. She sounded amused. She also sounded like a kidnapper using a voice-changer, calling to demand a ransom or the kids ears get sent to you by Fedex. It puts the lotion in the basket.

Hello, Yuqi, I said. If Id known you were only a phone call away I wouldve been in touch sooner. I have so many questions for you. Are you an idiot? Call this a plan? Who the fuck put you in charge? So many...

Do you, now? Do you really? A long, manic laugh spewed from the small device like it was a music box for the criminally insane. What was she laughing about?

The people on the other side of the desk who were allied to Yuqi and under her protection, shifted uncomfortably. It wasnt like she could reach across from the other side and physically harm anyone, but somehow it felt like she could. Or maybe she could. This was magic at work, it was probably best not to rely on vague, unreliable concepts like the laws of physics.

I took an involuntary step back and bumped into something. I turned to find  the others had somehow collected behind me, which was a remarkable feat in itself. I dont have that long a shadow, but they had all squeezed in there.

One by one, I shifted my party from where they huddled and repositioned them so they were in a line, shoulder to shoulder. There was a little resistance, but those who refused to lift their feet got a swift kick in the shins to get them moving.

The cackling eventually subsided leaving the room silent as everyone waited for someone else to continue the conversation. Calling it a day and a nice dinner would have been my choice. No such luck.

Did you really think you could upset my plans so easily?

Kind of hard for me to upset your plans when you havent told me what they are? I said.

Jenny looked over her shoulder to look at me. Shouldnt you be standing in front of us, you know, as the leader?

Its fine. Im happy to share the limelight. Plus, she has a habit of firing lightning bolts at me and its not very good for my skin. I think Im allergic to being electrocuted.

All five of them were peering over their shoulders at me. I waved my hands at them to face front.

Your friends are here too, are they? How nice to meet you all.

Oh, so you cant see us through that box? This was a relief. Harder to aim when you cant see your target.

No, but I feel like I can. Especially the girls. Scarface, Fatty and Big Nose. She collapsed into a fit of giggles.

Even from behind it was obvious none of the girls appreciated the joke. Their bodies tensed and fists clenched. Dudley and Maurice awkwardly shifted from foot to foot, not knowing how to respond.

Okay, I said, so this is Yuqi. Everyone say hi. Silence. Come on, guys, manners cost nothing.

The three girls swished their heads around to glare at me. I was amused, but not by Yuqis insults. I was just pleased to have them realise what Id been dealing with. I couldnt see them refusing me anything that would lead to getting rid of this nutcase.

Yes, said Yuqi, were all on the same team, here. Were going to work together, those who are beautiful, who have the hearts of warriors and the souls of sorcerers. And you three. Hee hee hee. She was fucking delighted with herself, giggling away

We arent going to help you do anything, said Jenny very evenly. You can stay in whatever hole they put you in and rot.

Oooh, said Yuqi. Arent we full of ourselves? You know, my original plan was to have the three of you taken by the masters. It would have been a much less bloody way to infiltrate the Palace, but the masters have a certain aesthetic standard. Imagine the lives that would have been saved if only you three were a little visually stronger. The lilt to the voice flattened. No more laughter. Listen to me, you bitches. You have a lot to learn about how things work in my world. If you dont do as I say, youll never find your way home. Youll be stuck here forever."

Youre the one whos stuck, said Claire. Sixteen years? Sixteen years and you still havent found a way out. Well do just fine without you. Were not the ones trapped in a little box.

We shall see, said Yuqi. We shall see who has

She was cut off mid-sentence as Flossie stepped forward, scooped the box off the desktop and snapped the lid shut.

This took everyone by surprise.

Ahve had just about enough of her, said Flossie. She put the box down her front where it disappeared into her cleavage.

You cant do that, said Dorma. Thats mine. Give it back.

Shant, said Flossie.

Varg puT a hand on his sword and stood a little straighter, his eyes moving to Flossies chest.  

Dudley stepped in front of Flossie. He was almost as tall as Varg, but he didnt have a weapon. And even if hed had one, I doubt it would make much difference. The last time hed tried to protect Flossie like this, it hadnt turned out so well.

Well let you have it back after weve finished, I said. You have other ways to contact the Jester, right? Meditation or something. I looked over at David who had been watching things unfold from the back wall without once seeming like he was going to get involved.

Maurice leaned back pulling a concerned face and whispered. Thats a bit racist.

What? How is that racist? I dont mean because hes Chinese. Non-Chinese people meditate, too. What the fuck? Would it be racist if I asked him if he knows kung fu.

Maurice slid his eyes sideways to look at the others.

Yeah, kind of, said Claire.

No, it Fucking wouldnt. David? I said. Know any martial arts?

Yes, saiD David. My mother runs a Tai Chi studio. Ive been learning since I was two.

See! And you know what else, I knew he had training because Ive already seen him do his woo ha, wuxia jumping around bullshit. Thats right, I know things you guys dont, so please keep your assumptions to yourselves. Some of us are operating on a higher level. Honestly, some people just love to point the finger because they think their shit dont stink. Well, it does. Everyones except mine which smells of lilacs and roses.

No, it doesnt, said Jenny.

Metaphorically! I shouted at her. These people annoyed me so much with their baseless accusations and poor grasp of literary devices.

Dorma was a bit stunned by this sudden squabble, but he quickly rallied. I dont know what you people are going on about, but you will return the Codex to me. He held out his hand.

I walked towards Dorman, pushing through my less than effective buffer (everything still ended up on my plate in the end) and put my hands on the desk.

Listen, General, we wont be doing things your way. We wont be sacrificing thousands of lives to distract the masters. Not because of my love for the people of this citytheyre all horribly stupid and deserve a damn good beating, to be perfectly honestbut because its a stupid plan with very little chance of success. Just as you have very little chance of getting what you want if you follow the Jester.

Tact, diplomacy, compromiseall valuable approaches I would imagine. In this case, I already knew this man was only interested in his own agenda. If he thought his chances were better with us, I felt pretty sure hed jump ship.

Varg, said Dorma through gritted teeth. Get my Codex back.

Or not.

Varg took out his sword. I looked over to David, but he hadnt moved a muscle.

I wasnt too worried. It wasnt like death was big deal here (except to me, and I had no intention of going near anything sharp or pointed) and at worse wed have to give back the Codex. I wasnt even sure we needed it.

We waited for Varg to make his next move. And continued to wait. He had stopped with sword half-drawn from his scabbard. Dorma had also frozen in place.

Whats going on? said Flossie from somewhere under Dudleys armpit where she had buried her head.

Phil, I said. He must be here. Lets just hope he hasnt brought his friends with him.

Wait here. David ran to the door which obviously wouldnt open. He turned, eyes darting around the room, and then rushed to an open window and jumped out. It was only open a crack, but he slithered through without hesitation. Jenny went over and could hardly get her arm through.

Shouldnt we try to get out of here? said Maurice.

I went over to where Jenny was still trying to force her head through the gap. He nose was flattened against the glass. Not attractive. It really wasnt much of an opening. David must have bones made of rubber.

I dont think there is a way out until Phil turns time back on.

Claire moved closer to Dormas stiff body. He was in the middle of standing, bent forward. She leaned down and peered into his ear. We cant trust him.

Really? I said. You needed to read his mind to figure that out?

She threw me an annoyed grimace. He isnt thinking anything right now, but hes convinced hes going to be a king. First the money, then the power, then the goats, thats his mantra. I dont even know what that means.

I guess thats how you think in a goat-based economy. At least, I hoped thats what it meant.

Flossie ducked out from under Dudley and walked over to Varg who was posed like the cover of a Conan novel. Ah should punch him right in the goolies.

Shed probably break her knuckles if she tried.

Wait, how are you moving? I said, suddenly realising something. Where did you put the Codex?

The Bitch Box? said Flossie. Right here. She reached in between her breasts and took out the Codex. She was moving it freely. It wasnt stuck in time like the other inanimate objects which meant it wasnt of this world or there was a way to make certain things immune to Phils power.

David had a sword which must also be immune. If we could figure out how to selectively release certain objects from the time stop, that could come in incredibly useful. If only there was some kind of manual that explained how it worked.