First Contact

Chapter 157: (Trolling)

Shanto'o checked his office, making sure that the security was up and working. He rubbed all four hands together eagerly as he went to his secure terminal. He nervously looked around again, ensuring the curtains were closed and there was no way for anyone to spy on him. Satisfied he was alone in his office he booted up his computer and eagerly accessed his computer electronic mail.

There, in his GalNet electronic mail account, was the communique that had so excited him to receive.

A message from a Terran Scientist willing to defect!

He checked around himself again and opened the email to read again.

TO: [email protected] GALNET. MIL. INT

DEAR FRIEND

I am PETER LOMINIQUE a scientist from the PLANET OF THE DEMOCRACY OF NEO-GERIA FEDERATION OF PLANETS OF MAINE OF PLANET BURGERKINGDOM who am reaching out to you for help me in my time of need. It is with great humiliatry that I have reached outto yous in hopes that you may be able to assist me for mmy life is in danger from agents of THE SOVIETSKI GERMANSKI OVERLORDSHIP OF CANUKISTAN and I am fearing theri MAPLE GUNS which my people greatly fear because of DEATH/DISMMEMBERMENT/DISEASE/MY PARENTS/GREAT RICHES and I am in hopes that a great being such as you can assist me at this time.

From there it went on to tell Shanto'o that the Terran was in great fear of his life and he was researcher who had worked on the EIGHTH JUMPDRIVE VERSION and the HYPERLANE GENERATOR CREATOR JUMPER and other tantalizing technologies.

As the First Most High of the Military Intelligence apparatus of thirty-two systems, Shanto'o couldn't believe his luck.

The being only needed a transfer of a meager 2.2 trillion Confederacy credits and he would happily defect to the Unified Council Space. He had also worked on the great Galactic Civilizations LXIV Engine, mainly with hyperlanes!

Trembling with anticipation Shanto'o eagerly sent the Terran his secure email address and then let the Terran he was absolutely interested in helping him escape the tyranny of his star nation.

He could barely sleep that night with excitement.

--------------

ZAPBRANNINGANSBRAIN> Dudes, I think I've got a live one.

MYHEADISPURPLEHELPME> Wait, off that stupid Lanaktallan GalNet email spam bot you run when we were drunk?

ZAPBRANNIGANSBRAIN> Totally! This guy wants to know who I want to receive the money.

FOURTHCHANLIVESINME> No fracking way. Are you kidding?

ZAPBRANNIGANSBRAIN> Seriously! I'm going to do it. I'm gonna send him an account number and see what happens.

MYHEADISPURPLEHELPME> There's no way anyone's dumb enough to fall for that. It's just to find active email addresses.

--------------

Shanto'o opened his computer terminal, and looking around to make sure nobody was spying on him, opened the email.

MOST POWERFUL AND DEAR FRIEND SHANTO'O THE WISE AND MIGHTY

Enclosed is the secure account number with Western Union that you may use...

Shanto'o was trembling with excitement as he transferred the money.

A Terran defector!

-------------

ZAPBRANNIGANSBRAIN> Holy crap! We're going to the Starlight Nebula Cyberclub, full Advanced VR and it's on me, boyos!

FOURTHCHANLIVESINME> What? Didn't you borrow like 300 credits from me for that sex VI last week.

ZAPBRANNIGANSBRAIN> Here.

FOURTHCHANLIVESINME> HOLY SHIT! I'm not going have ConfedSec kicking in my door, am I? And dude, you owed me 300 credits, not 300,000.

ZAPBRANNIGANSBRAIN> Hey, that's nothing. Dude, I've seriously got a live one here.

AWIGGLINGTOKYOMATENTACLE> Wait, that actually worked? Yeah, you're buying tonight.

ZAPBRANNIGANSBRAIN> Crap, what do I tell him why I'm not there. He's expecting me to show up.

MICKEYMOUSESDONG> Tell him that you got attacked by a chupacabra and it stole your money.

ZAPBRANNIGANSBRAINS> Oooh, good one. Let's see if he falls for that.

------------

Shanto'o opened up the mail, scanned it, and groaned. The defector had been attacked by something called a chupacabra that had attacked him and drained away his bank account just before he had reached the starport, leaving the defector destitute. He needed only 3.4 trillion credits to pay the lawyers.

Shanto'o shivered in fear at the memory of Terran lawyers. The gray skin, the cybernetics, the dead eyes, the sharp teeth.

He had to keep his defector out of jail.

------------------

ZAPBRANNIGANSBRAIN> By the Digital Omnimessiah and his Twelve Biological Apostles! EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP!

....

....

LOOKIMOVERTHERE> Dude, you better have a good reason for interrupting me on my own server.

ZAPBRANNIGANSBRAIN> Here. That good enough?

LOOKIMOVERTHERE> Where the Unholy Chocolate Rave Mouse did you get twelve million to just toss me? That's more money that I thought you're low rent ass would ever make.

ZAPBRANNIGANSBRAIN> I got a live one on GalNet. Some cowtard. Crap, he sent me bail money. How do I hold off and make excuses for why I'm not there.

SOYMANSMILEYFACE> Tell him your penis fell off and you have to find it.

NOGIRLSONTHENET> Tell him I stole your penis and I'm holding it for ransom.

BOUNCYBOUNCYCREDITSCORE> Tell him you don't have a penis and they won't let you on a starship.

ZAPBRANNIGANSBRAIN> Seriously, I need an excuse.

ETHOTJUMPINGJACKS> Tell him you got held up by space customs.

RUNPROGRAMRUN> Tell him that ConfedSec intercepted the money and now you're fleeing for your life. Send him something that he might think is juicy.

ZAPBRANNIGANSBRAIN> Like what?

8BITBANDIT> AHAHAHHAHA! No. It would never work.

ZAPBRANNIGANSBRAIN> What?

ETHOTJUMPINGJACKS> What? What's so funny?

8BITBANDIT> Claim you're going to send him Hellspace research and give him this file as 'proof' of the facility you had to work at and why you have to run.

ZAPBRANNIGANSBRAIN> That's never going to work.

LOOKIMOVERTHERE> What is it?

8BITBANDIT> Trust me, if he's dumb enough to send your email spamming dorkness money, he's dumb enough to fall for that.

ZAPBRANNIGANSBRAIN> All right, it can't hurt. I'm already rich as in buy a planet rich.

--------------

Shanto'o reread the email and groaned. It was a disaster. His defecting scientist had been unfortunate enough that Terran Confederate Intelligence had intercepted the money. He was now hiding in a brothel under the bed of something called an eThot. He needed more money, which made Shanto'o a little suspicious, but he hadn't asked for any amount.

Curious, he opened the document and stared.

It was a map of the facility Scientist Peter had worked at. Shanto'o shivered in excitement, his tendrils curling and his crests inflating.

It was a map of what the Terrans called Hateful Mars!

The Hangars, the Nuclear Plant, Toxin Refinery, Command & Control, Phobos Lab on the Mars moon of Phobos!, Central Processing, Computer Station, The Phobos Anomaly, even the Terran Military Base!

Included were MAPS of the facilities! Including something called the Union Aerospace Corporation which was the leader in Hellspace research!

Shanto'o shivered in delight! Even if he got nothing else, the sheer amount of data, including the defenses, how many soldiers there were, where weapon and armor was stashed, and even some transcripts of recordings.

The Terrans had suffered a Hellspace breach in their labs! It had even led to a Hellspace breach on Terra ITSELF!

There was even included several voice recordings, speaking about how the Hellspace breach had released demons into their labs, which Shanto'o nodded sagely upon hearing about. Hellspace was rumored to still contain the twisted remains of the hyperatomic beings as well as the Mantid that had been destroyed within.

This data was invaluable.

Without thinking about it, Shanto'o sent his agent more money, promising more if the defector could give him more information.

He was happy with the information and data files.

Besides, where would he even keep a Terran?

--------------

ZAPBRANNIGANSBRAIN> Oh my God, he fell for it and sent me more money. He wants more data! LOL.

MYHEADISPURPLEHELPME> You're kidding me?

8BITBANDIT> I told you he'd fall for it if we labeled it Hellspace data.

ZAPBRANNIGANSBRAIN> My God, he's gullible. What should I send him next?

TOUCHMYMONKEYTOUCHITNOW> Send him the plot to Final Fantasy XCLXVI. Only delete every third paragraph and fill it up with ipsum loren to really confuse him.

NINEYARDSOFSUPERCONDUCTORLUBE> Wait. No. Really get him going. Send him video playthrough of the low polygon Freeware Version of Doom Imperium of Wrath! Tell him you barely got it out!

ZAPBRANNIGANSBRAIN> I think I'm gonna milk this cow till we can all buy planets.

LOOKIMOVERTHERE>

---------------

TERRACONFEDMILINT

AHAHAHAHHAHAHA!

Oh my God, you guys, check this out!

---NOTHING FOLLOWS---

MANTID FREE WORLDS

What? What's so funny?

Oh my god. OH MY GOD! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!

---NOTHING FOLLOWS---

TREANA'AD HIVE WORLDS

OK, show me, there's no way it's that...

What? How? HOW DOES SOMEONE FALL FOR THAT?

---NOTHING FOLLOWS---

TELKAN FORGE WORLDS

What? What's so funny? A defector sold the Lanaktallan data on the Hate Anvils of Mars.

---NOTHING FOLLOWS---

CYBERNETIC ORGANISM COLLECTIVE

Someone did what? THIS IS A DISASTER! Oh man, this is terrible!

---NOTHING FOLLOWS---

TERRACONFEDMILINT

Look at the file.

---NOTHING FOLLOWS---

CYBERNETIC ORGANISM COLLECTIVE

WHat difference does it make? This is a disas...

Wait...

Is that what I think it is?

AHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!

---NOTHING FOLLOWS---

TELKAN FORGE WORLDS

Wait, what am I missing?

And Mars and Terra suffered Hellspace breaches and incursions?

Is everyone OK? Can I help?

---NOTHING FOLLOWS---

TERRASOL

Oh, man, I've got the hiccups.

/////////

TREANA'AD HIVE WORLDS

AHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAH

---NOTHING FOLLOWS---

TELKAN FORGE WORLDS

Why are you guys laughing so hard?

---NOTHING FOLLOWS---

MANTID FREE WORLDS

Come here, dear heart. Let big sister show you an old game from pre-Glassing Terra.

---NOTHING FOLLOWS---

TELKAN FORGE WORLDS

Wait... It's a game? OH I GET IT!

AHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA

---NOTHING FOLLOWS---

TREANA'AD HIVE WORLDS

Oh my Digital Christ, I can't breathe. I can't breathe.

AHHAHHAHAHAHA